No.296 Of Vacant Neighbours

My vacant neighbours have been at me again. This time they've sent me a letter informing me that any damage done by my builders to the pathway between our houses will have to be repaired by them laying a whole new strip of tarmac. A patch job wont do apparently. They've also noticed a gap in my fence to the building site and have contacted their solicitor. Not bad considering they bought their house two years ago and its been empty ever since. May be they're sitting the other side of the river in the woods with a pair of binoculars. May be they not and they should be doing things like that to get out more.

No.295 Of Knobs and Whistles

I need a knobs and whistles day badly. By that I mean just a whole day devoted to working out all the technology around me that I rely on but from which I currently only get about 5% of its true potential.

I'll start with my Ipod and workout how to get podcasts onto it from the BBC World Service. Then I'll play around with its transmitter which will put any downloads through my car speakers. Then I'll take a look at my USB data transmitter which fits into the cigarette lighter and puts MP3 files through the car speakers too. Then I'll take a look at the new car itself and work out what all the buttons and dials in the cockpit do. Then there's the car manual itself which I'm hoping will lead me to where the dip stick is under the bonnet. I know. The dip stick but could I find it yesterday?

We've a Bank Holiday coming up this weekend. Why not rename it knobs and whistles day? I think I just have.

No.294 Of Walking In Blind

Friday night was different. Very different. I went to the restaurant Dans Le Noir in Clerkenwell London. The idea is simple and just like anywhere else. You go in. You eat your food. You leave. There's just once difference however. Here it all happens in total darkness. Yes that's right. Utter complete pitch black darkness. You can't even see the knife and fork in front of you. You have to search around and hope you've found yours and not your neighbours and I guess that they're clean too.

We were led in by a blind waiter from Japan called Takashi. With one hand on his shoulder I shuffled my way into the darkness and eventually sat down on a table with people immediately eitherside that I couldn't see but could hear perfectly well. The couple on my left were talking about a tribunal application and it was all I could do to stop myself chucking into the darkness some legal advice to the effect that they had better get on with any claim for fear of being time barred. To my right I heard someone say that she was born in a place called Ballymena but she's not been back for a good while.

Takashi soon disappeared to return with the first course which had been ordered before we entered. I'm glad I asked him to confirm that he'd got the veggie dish for me because he hadn't and a twenty year rule of abstinence was nearly broken without trying. He promptly returned with the right dish about and it tasted like it was tomatoes with goats cheese in a pastry of some sort. There was something else on the plate too which I didn't recognise either from its shape or its taste but it went in and down just like the rest.

The main course was artichoke and something else. It didn't taste great and it was completely cold. I was beginning to wonder whether the restaurant was making the most of the fact that you couldn't see the food and were tasting it to recognsie it rather than to assess its quality.

After about an hour we asked to leave and Takashi duly led us out the same way we had come in, hand on shoulder shuffling slowly and nervously towards the exit.

The declared purpose of the restaurant (to deny one sense and heighten another) didn't really work for me. I don't believe taste quite works like that any more than smell does. This is a myth perpetuated by the likes of programmes such as 'Kung Fu' where the blind monk, 'Grasshopper' can't see a thing but can hear well enough apparently to pluck out a fly trespassing across his airspace from the air with two fingers. It did give me a sense however of what it must be like to be blind and just how that restricts your day-to-day activities.

As we headed out into the light again I wondered what it must be like to be like Takashi and blind all the time and how it must feel for him to hear many times a night punters declare 'Oh thank God I can see again'.

No.292 Of Every Now & Then

Every now and again something happens to you that you think about a lot and that you know you'll always remember such was its impact. Usually it happens when you're least expecting. It happened to me yesterday. Best of all it happended at a Legal-Island event and yes I'll admit I wasn't really expecting it.

Yesterday at the Legal-Island Belfast Telegraph Annual Human Resource Conference Judith Gillespie gave the opening address. Unassuming, understated but overwhelmingly effective she delivered a thundering presentation. She also delivered a masterclass in how to connect with people. If she tries to force any more personnel skills into that relatively small frame of hers (responding by name, eye contact, openness and approachability to name but a few) there's every danger that she may self combust. Astonishing.

Deputy Chief Constable Legal-Island salutes you.

No.291 Of Rules and Regulations

This volcano business is really getting on my nerves. Can't they drop a whole load of ready mixed concrete down its throat from an Airbus Beluga or something? I suppose not bearing in mind nothing is allowed to fly just now. Regulations hey?

Easyjet has effectively estopped me from claiming back my £200 for my cancelled flights to Geneva. They've done this by stipulating that I must transfer the booking to another date on the same route and change it within thirty days. The problem is the route finished for the season last Sunday and doesn't start until December again. They've also done this by playing piped music to me whenever I phone them (using incidentally a phone number I found in a chat room -there's no number given on their web site that I can see) to point out that their rules have ruled me out. I can stick 5 minutes of piped music but 15 both times is just excessive. Ho Hum

No.281 Of Weighty Wagers & Iconic Smiles

The number of friends who send me smiley icons either by SMS or Email seems to be increasingly by the week. I can't do smiley icons. I mean what the hell does a :) mean or a (: or for that matter a ;) ? When conversing electronically and I receive an icon back I just have to assume that I haven't offended them and I'll get a normal bit of communication at a later point.

In a moment of bravado last Friday night I bet a from of mine, Ricardo, that I could lose a stone in weight quicker than he could. We he asked me if I wanted to put £100 on it I heard myself saying Yes as we shook hands.

Against him winning is the fact that his a skinny urchin as it is and I can't see a stone to come off anywhere. In his favour is that I like my tucker and I have not been under 15 stone "(not to mention 14) since I was well 15 years of age at a guess.

I suppose if I were to beat him not only would I win £100 but I could send him a :) too!

No. 280 Of Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Well come on and let me know. Should I stay or should I go? Therein is the dilemma. The Easyjet flight to Geneva for this evening has not been cancelled but what if I get there and can't get back before Monday? I could think of many worse places to get stuck than Switzerland but I've stuff to do next week which very sadly can't be done from a friend's study overlooking Lake Geneva.

Also I'm sure the airline authorities have done their bit but the thought of flying into an errant bit of volcanic cloud doesn't really appeal to me much as though my personal motto of "anything new anything once" might suggest otherwise.

I have a feeling I'll be going and taking my laptop with me and a good long read of a book. Warren Buffet's "The Business of Life" at 800 pages should do nicely.